Gate Exchange
by haganenohono
Summary: Edward ends up at the Gate again. They discuss his Exchange. Completely crackish and wrote at 3 am. A one shot at the moment, but if enough people like the idea I may continue it. All types of criticism welcome. Bad language, but that's it.


A/N: I reeeealy have no excuse other than to say that this hit me at like 3 am. I was braindeaad and bored, and a couple of these lines came to me during work and made me laugh and there was no way of working them into what I was already writing. If enough people find this funny I may continue it as a drabble collection of people (not always Ed) coming to the Gate. Leave me a review telling me what you think, good or ill. I know it's not great but it's my first attempt at something so crackish. If I didn't know any better I'd think I was on crack when I wrote it. But no, just sleep deprivation.

Disclaimer: I disclaim. Besides, I think this fic proves why it's a good idea I don't own FMA.

Once again, Ed looked up at the sight before him and cringed. Finally he beat down his pride and knocked on the doors of the Gate.

Slowly the doors opened.

From within there was an audible sigh of annoyance.

"You really are dumb-ass mother fucker aren't you?"

Ed's nose bunched up in annoyance before he shook his fist angrily and yelled, "What do you mean by that you no good cinder block!"

"What I mean is only dumb bastards try and come through here once. What is this—your like, seventh trip?"

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"Therefore, you are a dumb-ass mother fucker."

"How dare you make insinuations like that! I would never betray Alphonse like that!"

There was a pause.

"I know they call me the Gate of Truth, but for the record- I _really_ didn't need to know that. Seriously, things like that are best left unknown, so please feel free to keep it to yourself."

"Bastard! Just give me what I want!"

Suddenly a half naked alter version of Roy appeared in front of him.

Ed's eyes widened and his jaw hit the ground, leaking saliva onto the floor. But he quickly shook his head and glared at the Gate.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! Don't give me any shit you know what I want!"

"But what if I don't want to give it to you?"

"It doesn't matter! Give it to me now!"

"Nu-uh… what do I get in Exchange?"

"Fuck you asshole! I should get frequent flier miles for this shit!"

"It's not _my_ fault you're stupid enough to keep coming back. I think all these near death experiences have addled your brains. Either that or you have a psychotic death wish."

"Fine! What would it take to appease you?"

There was another pause as the Gate considered.

"Let me read you my poems for one hour."

"What?!"

"That's your Equivalent Exchange. Take it or leave it."

"There has to be a catch…" said Ed, squinty eyed.

"No catch, just listen."

"I'll take your deal! Heh, it's as good as mine," cackled Ed, rubbing his hands together in maniacal glee.

_----15 minutes later----_

"Please God make it _stop_!" cried Ed as he started tearing out bits of his hair.

"I didn't think you believed in God?"

"I didn't until I realized that this is Hell and therefore there has to be a heaven to balance it out!"

"Either that or you're all so fucked up that you're all going to end up here anyway."

"Noooooo!!!"

_----30 minutes----_

Ed rocked back and forth, saliva dripping out of the corner of his mouth.

"Must- not- think. Bad- thoughts- enter- head. Bad- visuals. Must- stop- this- torture…"

_----45 minutes----_

Ed lay prostrate on the ground, twitches shooting along his body every so often. His breathing was shallow and his eyes lolled around in his skull.

But still the Gate droned on.

"Fellytubbies, Fellytubbies, where fart thou Fellytubbies…

"I runeth in orange pastures of regurgitated goat's milk…"

----1 hour----

**BUZZ! BUZZ!**

"Congratulations Dumb-ass! You have earned your right to one Gate usage."

"Uuuugh… what happened to me…" said Ed, coming to from his comatose state.

"I essentially mind raped you with my poetry. So, what did you think? Care for an encore?"

"NOOO! God, anything but that!" cried Edward, throwing his hands over his ears.

"Humph! See if I let you off so easy on the Exchange next time!"

"Easy? EASY?! That was more painful than fucking automail surgery! Next time take a limb!"

"Yeah, I'll take an appendage next time, but it won't be a limb…" growled Truth at a blushing Edward.

"Whatever, just give me my damn Exchange!"

Golden light poured forth from the doors, and cheesy music played in the background with harps. Slowly, a form took shape in the light. It was…

"Mr. Snuggles!"

Edward ran forward and clutched the teddy bear to his chest, shoving his nose into the soft material.

"I thought I would never see you again!"

And so Edward turned and skipped off back to reality.

The Gate sighed.

"I'm getting too old for this shit…"


End file.
